Challenges, Loss, Memories, Parenting

Eighteen years ago today…

Was the only time I laid eyes on you. I had to take you with me to the naval hospital per doctor’s orders, so I hung onto you until I turned you over to a faceless nurse. Loosing you was hard, and at that point, I had no way of knowing just how much the repercussions would affect your older siblings, your father, or myself.

Within the week, your father would meet the woman he would eventually abandon Dacey, Connor, and I for, in a Yahoo chat room. Within six weeks, he and I separated. By summer, he left us and the Marines to be with her and her kids in Canada.

I think loosing you caused more chaos than even my stroke at 19 did. Loosing you set off a long, slow-moving domino effect that I can finally say I’m finally finishing up the clean up from. You never took a breath on this earth, but you impacted us all. You weren’t planned, just like all the events that came after you left were.

I’ve forgiven your father. He talks to Connor, who relays message between us. He’s Facebook friends with Dacey, too.

I only carried you for about two months physically, but I still wonder what you might have been. What could have been, if you only had stayed. I love you, little one, even now.

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