February, Loss, Memories, Parenting, Uncategorized

My recurring Groundhog Day

Eighteen years ago, my hellish week was coming to its sad, inevitable end. unfortunately, it happened to be on a date that recurs every year, like clockwork.

The week started at my doctor’s appointment to be put on antidepressants. Being a military wife, the only thing that was holding up my prescription was a urinalysis, just to double-check that I wasn’t pregnant. We’d been careful, when we even had the time and energy to get frisky, which wasn’t often. I thought it was a waste of a cup.

I left that appointment with yet another appointment for an orientation back at the naval hospital, news for my husband, and no prescription for antidepressants. I went in and told him that I’d passed my whiz quiz, or something along those lines, trying to make it easier to break the news. I ended up having to explain that the doctor wanted to verify that I wasn’t pregnant, and it turned out I was. Connor was a little less than two months shy of his first birthday; Dacey was a little better than six months away from her third birthday. My estimated due date was September 10, 1999, six days before my twenty-fourth birthday.

Mike’s grandfather got sick around that time, and he put in for emergency leave to go back to Alabama, as the prognosis was not good. He opted not to go to orientation with me at the hospital, afraid that it would impact his chances of getting his leave granted. I went to that appointment, one of the only wives there without her husband. It was hospital and OB protocols first, then labs, then they would schedule our first appointment.

I went into a stall to give them another sample. I left that stall in tears and shaking, clinging to the capped cup as I found one of the nurses and told her about the pink and brown with a bit of red that I had seen moments before. I got to see a doctor that day. He put me on bed rest and said that it was a waiting game. At this stage, it was a 50-50 chance that I was going to lose the baby. The baby that a couple of days prior, I wasn’t even sure I wanted. They drew blood, and wanted me back in a couple of days.

I went home and told Mike. He didn’t tell command, who would have given him a few days off work so I could truly do bed rest. Instead, I told my neighbor, who checked in on me, changed diapers, and made fast food runs so I could rest. Despite having a two-year old and a newborn. Mike came home from the shop that evening and said that he needed to load up the car, as his leave had been approved. I still had my upcoming doctor’s appointment and bed rest, so I gave him the option of taking Dacey and Connor and going to Alabama without me. They were gone within the hour.

Jenn, my neighbor, got me to my doctor’s appointment. I had an ultrasound, and I saw my baby. I also saw that it had a double-digit heart rate; not something that you want to see with a pregnancy. My HcG also was not doubling. The doctor told me it was a waiting game, but the miscarriage was inevitable. I was given a ton of things to be on the look out for, what to do in various situations, and had a follow-up in a week.

Jenn  was great over the next day or two. I slept all day, and then went over to her house when her husband left. Jenn told me I was really pale when I first got there. I say on the couch with her older son and looked at books with him, until I got a phone call over there from Mike, all the way in Alabama. He needed me to call Tricare, as Connor had managed to try to grab a pilot light on one of the heating units and had burned a finger. So, I made the call, returned his, and ran to the bathroom.

The pregnancy was irrevocably over after that little trip. Per the doctor’s instructions, I fished what had passed out of the bowl, called out for a baggy, and cried. Jenn once again got me a ride, this time to the ER, because I was bleeding more than I should have been. I went, carrying my would-have-been baby in a sandwich bag in a plain paper bag.

Amazingly, I was called back rather quickly. Being that it was a military hospital, the doc sorely lacked a very good bedside manner for someone in my shoes. He confirmed that I had lost the baby, and told me what to look out for. Twelve hours later, I was back at the ER, bleeding like a stuck pig.

The doctor I got that trip had a better bedside manner, but he still scared the mess out of me as I put my legs into the stirrups and said to the nurse “She needs help, now”. The rest of that visit was a blur. I just know I left with a prescription that had to be taken every four hours, like clockwork, to get the bleeding to stop. Once again, Jenn to the rescue. She got me into my place, let herself out with my keys, and came back every 4 hours, waking me up with a pill and a glass of water. She also got my mom’s number off my TracPhone and called her. I woke up for the day to Jenn giving me my meds and telling me that my mom was on her way.

Mom came down, and took me to my last OB appointment at the naval hospital. It was confirmed by ultrasound, the baby and all were gone, and the bleeding had finally subsided. I left with a prescription for Iron. Mom took me up to Raleigh and put me on a plane to fly down to my family.

That was as long as you were physically around. I still wonder about you. I still think “what if” because the loss of you set so many wheels in motion. By the end of 1999, your dad and I had separated (he “meet someone” on Yahoo Chat while he was in Alabama and I was bleeding alone in North Carolina). I moved to Durham, to live with your grandma, brother, and sister. Your dad went absent without leave in order to be with the chick from online. I was broken inside, and I stayed that way for a long time.

If you were here, no matter what, you’d be getting ready to turn 18, my guess about a week and a half before I turn 43. I think that you would have been a girl. I’m going to go curl up with your sick little sister, and maybe I will dream of what you could have been.

 

pgloss

February, Mama's Mission of the Month

Now this is a disaster

What’s that old saying about the best of intentions? The best of them are often laid to waste or something like that? Well, for all the pomp and circumstance of a month ago, things happened and a lot of what I had intended for the month of January fell way short. I also had some plans change, and those changes seem to be for the better, so I’ll just let things roll, and maybe, just maybe, things will be better in February.

Here is the graded sheet for this month. One thing that I’m changing up this year is showing the form from Mama Jenn Blog (you can find it here). It will be all filled out for the start of the month, and graded for the final day of the month.

013118MMotMRecap

This month was awful. I wish I would have had a big, red marker, but I made do with a Sharpie. I was pretty ugly. Three goals were continued to next month, and I didn’t even complete half of the other twenty-one. I gave myself a big F.

I’m going to go work on a game plan for February. Stay tuned, I’ll post it tomorrow.

 

February, Planning, Routine, Scheduling, School

No, really, I AM still here

Between the last part of winter break, sick kids, and quite frankly being an airhead, I am just now sitting down at the computer to get something done about my poor, neglected blog.

I started my day after getting little people where they needed to be by sitting down at the dining room table with all my pens and markers and my calendars. Don’t be fooled, you are not seeing double; I had to transfer some things from my old Academia planner to the new one. Then, there’s my desk pad calendar, the calendar that resides on the bulletin board by the front door, and not shown is the blog planner.

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I decided that there was no time better to get the calendars all set up for (I can’t belive it) February, get things switched in the Academias, and actually plan a little bit for the blog. The only things I haven’t done yet is update my calendar app on my iPhone and plan a little for the other blog.

First up was the bulletin board calendar. The desk pad was filled out for the most part last week. That wasn’t too difficult, and all that’s missing either hasn’t been scheduled, or the fact that Connor has yet to get his schedule for sure.

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Next up was the transferring of all my February appointments and whatnot to my new Academia.  I finally have some planner peace with that one. It’s not the flashiest, but it runs from 6:00 a.m. clear until 10:00 p.m. with another block for P.M. and trackers for damn near everything. The new one is the Academia Spring. It only runs through the end of July, but there are a LOT of perks. As a matter of fact, I probably should order the Fall 2018 soon. They will overlap a bit, but considering the kids notoriously get appointments scheduled pretty far in advance.

 

Last but not least was my rough and as yet incomplete plan for the blog. Just subjects, vague, but telling, at least to me. This post is technically late, as I planned on publishing it last night, but my mommy cuddles were requested, and I may have fallen asleep as well. So, I am up before the sun to get it done. No worries.

Next Sunday, this post will spring back up, as I begin to tackle the weeklies, which I like to do the night before the week starts. For me and the majority of my planners, my week starts on Monday and ends with the weekend. I may even attempt my first review of a planner… wait and see.

February, Mama's Mission of the Month

Mama's Mission of the Month February 2016 Recap

MissionNOTAccomplishedYETNow isn’t this embarrassing… another abysmal month on the missions for this month. They say the third time is the charm, so here’s to hoping that March goes better than January and February.

PERSONAL:

RELATIONSHIPS:

  • Date night with Ryan
  • One-on-one activity with each kid
  • Supervise Ryli’s writing of thank you’s after her birthday

PARENTING:

  • Reboot chores
  • Find out about ACT/SAT testing for Connor
  • Read to the littles 30 minutes EVERY night

HOMEMAKING:

  • Finish the purge of unused possessions
  • Meal plan and stick to it!!!
  • Fly Lady

FINANCIAL:

  • Budget for the month and stick to it
  • No grocery shopping without a list!!!
  • Catch up on savings and reboot allowances

SCHEDULING:

  • Keep planners up to date
  • Find a new PCP for Connor and I and schedule an appointment for me POSTPONED
  • Help Connor find a part time job. POSTPONED

BLOGGING/ONLINE:

  • Continue blogging at least 15 new posts this month
  • Continue writing post ideas down
  • Maintain and link social sites

MISCELANEOUS:

  • Help Nicole with her place POSTPONED (schedule conflicts)
  • Make it through the month with money
  • Start looking at minivans

 

February, Mama's Mission of the Month, Uncategorized

Mama's Mission of the Month: February 2016

MamasMission

Once again, the printable can be found here. And now, presenting  Mama’s Mission of the Month for February 2016:

PERSONAL:

RELATIONSHIPS:

  • Date night with Ryan
  • One-on-one activity with each kid
  • Supervise Ryli’s writing of thank you’s after her birthday

PARENTING:

  • Reboot chores
  • Find out about ACT/SAT testing for Connor
  • Read to the littles 30 minutes EVERY night

HOMEMAKING:

  • Finish the purge of unused possessions
  • Meal plan and stick to it!!!
  • Fly Lady

FINANCIAL:

  • Budget for the month and stick to it
  • No grocery shopping without a list!!!
  • Catch up on savings and reboot allowances

SCHEDULING:

  • Keep planners up to date
  • Find a new PCP for Connor and I and schedule an appointment for me
  • Help Connor find a part time job.

BLOGGING/ONLINE:

  • Continue blogging at least 15 new posts this month
  • Continue writing post ideas down
  • Maintain and link social sites

MISCELANEOUS:

  • Help Nicole with her place
  • Make it through the month with money
  • Start looking at minivans