My recurring Groundhog Day

Eighteen years ago, my hellish week was coming to its sad, inevitable end. unfortunately, it happened to be on a date that recurs every year, like clockwork.

The week started at my doctor’s appointment to be put on antidepressants. Being a military wife, the only thing that was holding up my prescription was a urinalysis, just to double-check that I wasn’t pregnant. We’d been careful, when we even had the time and energy to get frisky, which wasn’t often. I thought it was a waste of a cup.

I left that appointment with yet another appointment for an orientation back at the naval hospital, news for my husband, and no prescription for antidepressants. I went in and told him that I’d passed my whiz quiz, or something along those lines, trying to make it easier to break the news. I ended up having to explain that the doctor wanted to verify that I wasn’t pregnant, and it turned out I was. Connor was a little less than two months shy of his first birthday; Dacey was a little better than six months away from her third birthday. My estimated due date was September 10, 1999, six days before my twenty-fourth birthday.

Mike’s grandfather got sick around that time, and he put in for emergency leave to go back to Alabama, as the prognosis was not good. He opted not to go to orientation with me at the hospital, afraid that it would impact his chances of getting his leave granted. I went to that appointment, one of the only wives there without her husband. It was hospital and OB protocols first, then labs, then they would schedule our first appointment.

I went into a stall to give them another sample. I left that stall in tears and shaking, clinging to the capped cup as I found one of the nurses and told her about the pink and brown with a bit of red that I had seen moments before. I got to see a doctor that day. He put me on bed rest and said that it was a waiting game. At this stage, it was a 50-50 chance that I was going to lose the baby. The baby that a couple of days prior, I wasn’t even sure I wanted. They drew blood, and wanted me back in a couple of days.

I went home and told Mike. He didn’t tell command, who would have given him a few days off work so I could truly do bed rest. Instead, I told my neighbor, who checked in on me, changed diapers, and made fast food runs so I could rest. Despite having a two-year old and a newborn. Mike came home from the shop that evening and said that he needed to load up the car, as his leave had been approved. I still had my upcoming doctor’s appointment and bed rest, so I gave him the option of taking Dacey and Connor and going to Alabama without me. They were gone within the hour.

Jenn, my neighbor, got me to my doctor’s appointment. I had an ultrasound, and I saw my baby. I also saw that it had a double-digit heart rate; not something that you want to see with a pregnancy. My HcG also was not doubling. The doctor told me it was a waiting game, but the miscarriage was inevitable. I was given a ton of things to be on the look out for, what to do in various situations, and had a follow-up in a week.

Jenn  was great over the next day or two. I slept all day, and then went over to her house when her husband left. Jenn told me I was really pale when I first got there. I say on the couch with her older son and looked at books with him, until I got a phone call over there from Mike, all the way in Alabama. He needed me to call Tricare, as Connor had managed to try to grab a pilot light on one of the heating units and had burned a finger. So, I made the call, returned his, and ran to the bathroom.

The pregnancy was irrevocably over after that little trip. Per the doctor’s instructions, I fished what had passed out of the bowl, called out for a baggy, and cried. Jenn once again got me a ride, this time to the ER, because I was bleeding more than I should have been. I went, carrying my would-have-been baby in a sandwich bag in a plain paper bag.

Amazingly, I was called back rather quickly. Being that it was a military hospital, the doc sorely lacked a very good bedside manner for someone in my shoes. He confirmed that I had lost the baby, and told me what to look out for. Twelve hours later, I was back at the ER, bleeding like a stuck pig.

The doctor I got that trip had a better bedside manner, but he still scared the mess out of me as I put my legs into the stirrups and said to the nurse “She needs help, now”. The rest of that visit was a blur. I just know I left with a prescription that had to be taken every four hours, like clockwork, to get the bleeding to stop. Once again, Jenn to the rescue. She got me into my place, let herself out with my keys, and came back every 4 hours, waking me up with a pill and a glass of water. She also got my mom’s number off my TracPhone and called her. I woke up for the day to Jenn giving me my meds and telling me that my mom was on her way.

Mom came down, and took me to my last OB appointment at the naval hospital. It was confirmed by ultrasound, the baby and all were gone, and the bleeding had finally subsided. I left with a prescription for Iron. Mom took me up to Raleigh and put me on a plane to fly down to my family.

That was as long as you were physically around. I still wonder about you. I still think “what if” because the loss of you set so many wheels in motion. By the end of 1999, your dad and I had separated (he “meet someone” on Yahoo Chat while he was in Alabama and I was bleeding alone in North Carolina). I moved to Durham, to live with your grandma, brother, and sister. Your dad went absent without leave in order to be with the chick from online. I was broken inside, and I stayed that way for a long time.

If you were here, no matter what, you’d be getting ready to turn 18, my guess about a week and a half before I turn 43. I think that you would have been a girl. I’m going to go curl up with your sick little sister, and maybe I will dream of what you could have been.



Coming back and doing so on a mission…

Life has been interesting as of late, to put it mildly. The new school year is wrapping up its first six weeks tomorrow. Dallas County Schools is still essentially clueless, as the little ones’ bus has yet to pick up or drop off within five minutes of the scheduled times. Things at the school have been better than the were last year, but there are still hiccups and road bumps galore with the transition to being an ACE school. The fledgling Girl Scout troop meets for the first time next week. I’m on two committees at school, plus on the PTO. I’ve represented myself in court and continue to wait for the trial of my dragon. Connor got himself a job. The kids pulled down a few nominations for TAG. I have been constantly running white uniform dress shirts through the wash since August 30, as well as the perpetual hunt for those wayward black socks and white socks.

I will officially be back here no later than Sunday, October 1, 2017. Truthfully, I will try to be back before then to go over what exactly I have up my sleeves for the month of October and onward. It involves more of what you may or may not have come to expect from me, such as Mama’s Mission of the Month, and some fun new little treats in the realm of a blog challenge or maybe even two, and the added gems of me being on all these committees and leading a Girl Scout Troop and everything else.

So, without any further ado, I will now be returning to my scheduled oddity of doing my own laundry so I don’t have to scramble any longer. The kinks are finally getting straight.

Here’s a few pictures from the first day of school. Landry is still loving the uniform, where as Ryli is a bit sick of it.

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If any time were perfect

This would be it. I’m still trying to nail down aspects of our routine around here. Days that I do the store runs, days that X gets to call Ryli and Landry, and/or days that they go for visitation are the worst. Yesterday was a combo day, as I absolutely had to get to the store, and X was calling. Added to that, Nicole was on the verge of being over-booked, so I wouldn’t be cooking for her in exchange for borrowing her car. I also left later than I really should have, so Landry insisted upon coming.

With Landry along, he pointed out things he thought that I’d forgotten. A few of them, he was quite adamant that I get on that particular store run, so I did. That ended up biting me. I’ll let you guess where. Landry did get a balloon from the gal at checkout. If it were not for that green balloon, I’d have had to carry everything back to the apartment. I tied his balloon to a bag that had hot dog buns and rice noodles. He carried it about half the time.

Once we had gotten checked out, I pulled the cart over to begin the transfer of my purchases into the bags I would be carrying them home in. I had more than I’d anticipated, but wasn’t too worried, as between the backpack and the IKEA bag, I had more than enough room. Then, I went to hoist up the IKEA bag once I had the back-breaker backpack on. We did not make it to the bus stop with any speed. I carried the IKEA bag, I dragged it, and eventually, we made it to the bus stop.

Needless to say, I called ahead to have Connor meet us at the bus stop, and also informed him that as soon as I put the groceries up, I was taking a nap. Connor’s punk ass sent me to my room while he unpacked groceries.

For dinner, Connor and Tucker made hot dogs with mac & cheese, because I was not wanting to get back up. When I did finally make it to the main area, I hopped on my laptop and started looking up Once A Month Meals. I’d already signed up to be an affiliate (the recipes are that good), but there is no time like the present. I’m going to talk it over with my mom, who used to do all the freeze ahead stuff when I was a kid, and I’m going to do it. Not for the entire month. Just so that on days that I already know are going to be busy and/or stressful, dinner is one thing that is already taken care of.

I have already decided that there will be pictures and fun when we have our cooking day. I think we will shoot for early March, with cook day hopefully being on a school day so at least two people aren’t here. I’ll keep you posted, but I promise, this should be good!

Reading Challenges: Status Report

As I mentioned way back at the beginning of last month, I signed myserlf and the youinger kids up for a reading challenge a piece. I said that I would give updates, and I’m a little behind on that, unless you count the little notes on the recap for Mama’s Mission of the Month.

The kids challenge, from Read Aloud Revival, was for the month of January. After the first few days, I decided to just do it with Ryli reading to me, and Landry if he was into it on any given day. By the tenth, Ryli came home from her first day of school at her new school, and lo and behold, Monday-Thursday, part of her homework is to read to three people and have them initial her homework sheet. Most nights, Landry chose to do other things, like torment Connor and Tucker, Ryli did her homework. We were not the greatest Friday-Sunday, but, per the challenge description, she made it by reading more days than not.

My book challenge is through GoodReads and Amazon Kindle, and it goes all year. I set my goal for FIFTY books this year. At first, I thought that I would be pushing hard to pull that off. Then I read five books in January, with a laundry list of them in queue and 4 at various stages of being read at the moment. Lord of Greenwich (The Plantagenets, #5)  by Juliet Dymoke is what I’m furthest into, and the first five books of the series make up 80% of the books I read last month. The current political climate has me reading 1984 by George Orwell. I may be only 10% into it, but considering I’ve picked it up twice for about five to ten minutes a pop, I’m guessing that I could finish it in a couple hours. I’ve barely started Fangs and Fennel (The Venom Trilogy #2) by Shannon Mayer, but that’s just because I’m too sucked into the first two. Rounding out my list is a re-read for me. Tonight, Ryli gets an introduction to Harry, Hermoine, Ron, and everyone else. Bedtime is sliding up so she can snuggle in bed and have J.K. Rowling‘s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone read to her. I’m currently one book ahead of schedule.

As far as books I want to read… my list of books I want to read (or in some cases, re-read) is growing all the time. If I keep this up, I think I’ll need a bigger number for next year!

Eighteen years ago today…

Was the only time I laid eyes on you. I had to take you with me to the naval hospital per doctor’s orders, so I hung onto you until I turned you over to a faceless nurse. Loosing you was hard, and at that point, I had no way of knowing just how much the repercussions would affect your older siblings, your father, or myself.

Within the week, your father would meet the woman he would eventually abandon Dacey, Connor, and I for, in a Yahoo chat room. Within six weeks, he and I separated. By summer, he left us and the Marines to be with her and her kids in Canada.

I think loosing you caused more chaos than even my stroke at 19 did. Loosing you set off a long, slow-moving domino effect that I can finally say I’m finally finishing up the clean up from. You never took a breath on this earth, but you impacted us all. You weren’t planned, just like all the events that came after you left were.

I’ve forgiven your father. He talks to Connor, who relays message between us. He’s Facebook friends with Dacey, too.

I only carried you for about two months physically, but I still wonder what you might have been. What could have been, if you only had stayed. I love you, little one, even now.

A VERY busy week

This week sure got away from me in terms of posting. There was, however, very justified reasons, as you will see throughout this post. I have definitely been keeping busy, along with the kids.

The week started in the wee hours of Monday morning when I stayed up until nearly two watching “London has Fallen” and waiting for Dacey and Jesse to arrive. When everyone woke up later Monday morning, Dacey and Jesse loaded the kids and two car seats into the back of Jesse’s truck to shop and get haircuts, leaving me behind to work on y et more unpacking, since some friends of mine had brought over the contents of the storage unit Saturday morning.

Tuesday found me getting up extra early with Ryli to go and get her started at school. I filled out all the paperwork, and got to walk her to her room. When we got to her class, her teacher, Ms. R. asked Ryli if there was anything else that she could call her, as there was already a Riley in her class. Ryli picked her middle name, and by the end of the day when she got home from school, she wanted to be called Elizabeth full-time.



Wednesday, I got Elizabeth off to school, and then went to the high school with Tucker to start the whole process of getting him signed up to start. DISD is a bit more hardcore on the immunizations then is mandated by the state, so he will start this Wednesday after a shot and his 16 year well child check up and a shot in the arm. We also had two more beds delivered, along with all of our starter kit from the shelter right as Tucker and I got home from his school. A couple of hours later and the washer and dryer were FINALLY delivered. I started my insane amount of laundry as soon as the delivery men left the apartment.


Thursday made for a lot of trips to the dumpster for Connor and Tucker, as I tore through unpacking all of the boxes that were sitting around, in addition to continuing to plow through all the laundry we had. Everything had gone into storage clean, but after four months in storage, I decided that it all needed a bit of a refresh. Then there were the legitimately dirty things that we had used between leaving the shelter and the arrival of the beauties.

Friday was spent putting finishing touches on the living areas and taking a much deserved nap. I read more, played with the kids, and Connor, Landry, and I made a 9:00 p.m. soda run. It was a chill day.

Saturday, my mom came up for Tucker’s 16th birthday. Before she arrived, Elizabeth lost yet another tooth. Once G’maMom got here, we unloaded the final bed from her SUV, then headed to Garland for some Red Robin and a trip to Walmart to get Tucker’s birthday present and a few odds and ends for the apartment. We returned to the apartment to assemble the last bed and put our Walmart haul away.  Landry made good use of the time on the road and power-napped there and back.

Some chaos ensued after G’maMom left, but after the issues were addressed, everyone went to bed, and here I am now, playing catch up with the blog.


96 days and STILL counting

Yep, you guessed it, we are still in the shelter. We hit one hundred days this week. Our new apartment was inspected again this past Friday afternoon. If it passed, we should be moving into it in a week or so. If it failed again, we are looking at sometime after the first of the year. Right now, we just don’t know. The inspector said that he would call Monday at the latest to let me know the outcome. So we wait.

We’ve most definitely stayed busy the past several weeks since moving to what I refer to as shelter proper. Here lately, it’s been a whirlwind of Christmas activities and running around with my new girlfriends.There have also been ear infections, URI’s, and allergies gone wild to contend with. Connor has made a couple of friends and is coming out of his shell, finally. There are quite a few posts in the works to cover all of that, plus my Winter 2016 FabFitFub box and add-ons.

All it really boils down to is that I want to be home for Christmas, and it’s looking iffy at present.